Madness
ThumbSucker saw a neurologist today who said he may not have adult ADD as some of the symptoms he experiences are due to migraines. When he has migranes he can’t remember his phone number or the floor number of the loft.
The doctor prescribed a beta-blocker to improve blood flow to the brain. What’s crazy is ThumbSucker can not consume anything citrus-based as that will case a severe allergic reaction – major swelling of his throat. So although the neurologist said ThumbSucker may not have adult ADD, he’s not ruling it out.
Unfortunately, doctors can not properly and accurately diagnose ThumbSucker with an MRI because he has a metal plate in his face from when he was carjacked and beaten. Because ThumbSucker will begin to see more doctors for diagnosis and treatment, a coordinating doctor was assigned to help ensure that information is communicated across all doctors and that the medicine prescribed will not negatively react to or counter one another.
I had to get away, so I headed up to the LC. Tonight, while working on a PR plan, we had an IM conversation. Seems the meds (or valium) he started taking is mellowing him. We can actually have a conversation without heated emotions.
IM CONVO
me: you just need to be good and listen. so that means you need to encourage the doctors you meet with to find a solution.
ThumbSucker: yep. even though the news wasn’t that good today regarding the C issue, i feel much stronger mentally than I did.
me: good.
ThumbSucker: if the news remains not so great I might tell my mother slowly just in case anything was to happen so it wouldn’t come out of left field to her.
me: true. good idea.
ThumbSucker: you know, I love you more than maybe you realize - if it starts to look like this is going to be a big deal that is going to be tough to beat I would want you to move on with your life and find someone who would be around in the long run. I wouldn’t want you to feel tied to me because of anything - even if I lost [ex bf’s name] coverage I could always go home to Universal Health Care.
me: ok. but trust me, i'm not leaving you because of this. i'm leaving because of the madness i've experienced. seriously, i'm in a worse-off position mentally. i feel so drained. i think you do not know how i've felt for the last 2.5 years. because of you, i stopped hanging out with a lot of friends. that was important to me...
me: within that amount of time, you've sucked my life and will. i no longer have the energy and ambition i once had. i can probably say that i'm depressed.
me: you don't have to respond to any of this.
me: i just thought i'd repeat some of things i've tried to repeatedly communicate to you.
ThumbSucker: I understand - I do realize at this point, oddly I feel calm enough to take that in.
me: compared to three years ago, i'm a much more angry, yet sad person. you've driven me to insanity.
me: you took a lot away from me. just because you're going through something doesn't mean i will not repeat all these things.
me: i want to remind you as often as possible of the impact you've had on me.
ThumbSucker: I don’t mind if you go repeat them - I think you should.
ThumbSucker: I can’t undo anything and I understand that whether on purpose or not all that happened took a toll on you. Today was strange because they told me some bad things but I had clarity for the first time in a long while that I could look at things matter of factly. My one wish that you get to see who I am on the inside through this clarity - maybe I can actually project who I am once this haze of whatever has lifted.
me: we'll see.
ThumbSucker: i think I can make you proud of me one day if I get past the C stuff
me: as i've mentioned numerous times, you do not have any equity with me. the thing is prior to knowing about the C stuff, you were still hellish.
ThumbSucker: I understand that and I understand that nothing changes that but I hope to show you one day if I get the chance that isn’t whom I am me: ok. but understand that i will be hard pressed to believe.
ThumbSucker: I know that but that's something I can build again with you if I have the chance.
ThumbSucker: I dont want to sound like some freak but I feel really different, it's almost like I have some answers that wern’t there before.
me: ok. so we'll see. hey, i need to get back to this PR plan.
...
...
...
ThumbSucker: I am very proud of you - you are a good thing on multiple levels
me: i try. i expect great things of people i know on a personal and professional level.
ThumbSucker: that's why I want to be with you - you challenge me, you are my sounding board, you give me ideas and a different way of looking at things.
me: i know life is not always fair, but i become upset if there are obstacles in the way that i can not manipulate. ThumbSucker: that's what makes you you... that's why you are different from most people, in the gay world at least.
ThumbSucker: despite of all the noise and static we have something special, I love our time puttering around shops, going to movies, taking bart, laying on your chest, smelling your skin, holding your warm hands, listening to your playlists. you are so many things to me. you give my life its colour.
me: interesting. i feel the inverse of what you think.
ThumbSucker: well that's what you are to me. if someone asked me what the perfect moment is it would be holding your warm hand on a cold day
ThumbSucker: how's the pr plan coming along?
me: it looks like new york in the night from the sky - all lit up with tracked changes!
ThumbSucker: : (
ThumbSucker: So let's not fight anymore, I love you, I want to grow old with you.
me: well, as i've stated numerous times, i need to see a change.
me: because the last 2.5 years does not make me want to spend any time with you.
ThumbSucker: you will see changes with me - I promise you.
me: i've heard that numerous times.
ThumbSucker: I want to make you proud of me one day.
me: ok, but so far, you've made me depressed, sad and angry... and irritated.
ThumbSucker: Finbar misses you - he is sitting on your seat
ThumbSucker: another kp/doctor session tomorrow
ThumbSucker: I am gonna sleep now..... miss you, sleep well
ThumbSucker: night good thing :)
me: g'night.
The doctor prescribed a beta-blocker to improve blood flow to the brain. What’s crazy is ThumbSucker can not consume anything citrus-based as that will case a severe allergic reaction – major swelling of his throat. So although the neurologist said ThumbSucker may not have adult ADD, he’s not ruling it out.
Unfortunately, doctors can not properly and accurately diagnose ThumbSucker with an MRI because he has a metal plate in his face from when he was carjacked and beaten. Because ThumbSucker will begin to see more doctors for diagnosis and treatment, a coordinating doctor was assigned to help ensure that information is communicated across all doctors and that the medicine prescribed will not negatively react to or counter one another.
I had to get away, so I headed up to the LC. Tonight, while working on a PR plan, we had an IM conversation. Seems the meds (or valium) he started taking is mellowing him. We can actually have a conversation without heated emotions.
IM CONVO
me: you just need to be good and listen. so that means you need to encourage the doctors you meet with to find a solution.
ThumbSucker: yep. even though the news wasn’t that good today regarding the C issue, i feel much stronger mentally than I did.
me: good.
ThumbSucker: if the news remains not so great I might tell my mother slowly just in case anything was to happen so it wouldn’t come out of left field to her.
me: true. good idea.
ThumbSucker: you know, I love you more than maybe you realize - if it starts to look like this is going to be a big deal that is going to be tough to beat I would want you to move on with your life and find someone who would be around in the long run. I wouldn’t want you to feel tied to me because of anything - even if I lost [ex bf’s name] coverage I could always go home to Universal Health Care.
me: ok. but trust me, i'm not leaving you because of this. i'm leaving because of the madness i've experienced. seriously, i'm in a worse-off position mentally. i feel so drained. i think you do not know how i've felt for the last 2.5 years. because of you, i stopped hanging out with a lot of friends. that was important to me...
me: within that amount of time, you've sucked my life and will. i no longer have the energy and ambition i once had. i can probably say that i'm depressed.
me: you don't have to respond to any of this.
me: i just thought i'd repeat some of things i've tried to repeatedly communicate to you.
ThumbSucker: I understand - I do realize at this point, oddly I feel calm enough to take that in.
me: compared to three years ago, i'm a much more angry, yet sad person. you've driven me to insanity.
me: you took a lot away from me. just because you're going through something doesn't mean i will not repeat all these things.
me: i want to remind you as often as possible of the impact you've had on me.
ThumbSucker: I don’t mind if you go repeat them - I think you should.
ThumbSucker: I can’t undo anything and I understand that whether on purpose or not all that happened took a toll on you. Today was strange because they told me some bad things but I had clarity for the first time in a long while that I could look at things matter of factly. My one wish that you get to see who I am on the inside through this clarity - maybe I can actually project who I am once this haze of whatever has lifted.
me: we'll see.
ThumbSucker: i think I can make you proud of me one day if I get past the C stuff
me: as i've mentioned numerous times, you do not have any equity with me. the thing is prior to knowing about the C stuff, you were still hellish.
ThumbSucker: I understand that and I understand that nothing changes that but I hope to show you one day if I get the chance that isn’t whom I am me: ok. but understand that i will be hard pressed to believe.
ThumbSucker: I know that but that's something I can build again with you if I have the chance.
ThumbSucker: I dont want to sound like some freak but I feel really different, it's almost like I have some answers that wern’t there before.
me: ok. so we'll see. hey, i need to get back to this PR plan.
...
...
...
ThumbSucker: I am very proud of you - you are a good thing on multiple levels
me: i try. i expect great things of people i know on a personal and professional level.
ThumbSucker: that's why I want to be with you - you challenge me, you are my sounding board, you give me ideas and a different way of looking at things.
me: i know life is not always fair, but i become upset if there are obstacles in the way that i can not manipulate. ThumbSucker: that's what makes you you... that's why you are different from most people, in the gay world at least.
ThumbSucker: despite of all the noise and static we have something special, I love our time puttering around shops, going to movies, taking bart, laying on your chest, smelling your skin, holding your warm hands, listening to your playlists. you are so many things to me. you give my life its colour.
me: interesting. i feel the inverse of what you think.
ThumbSucker: well that's what you are to me. if someone asked me what the perfect moment is it would be holding your warm hand on a cold day
ThumbSucker: how's the pr plan coming along?
me: it looks like new york in the night from the sky - all lit up with tracked changes!
ThumbSucker: : (
ThumbSucker: So let's not fight anymore, I love you, I want to grow old with you.
me: well, as i've stated numerous times, i need to see a change.
me: because the last 2.5 years does not make me want to spend any time with you.
ThumbSucker: you will see changes with me - I promise you.
me: i've heard that numerous times.
ThumbSucker: I want to make you proud of me one day.
me: ok, but so far, you've made me depressed, sad and angry... and irritated.
ThumbSucker: Finbar misses you - he is sitting on your seat
ThumbSucker: another kp/doctor session tomorrow
ThumbSucker: I am gonna sleep now..... miss you, sleep well
ThumbSucker: night good thing :)
me: g'night.
posted by E-Double at 12:21 AM
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